Missing Dad

I MISS YOU DAD!
I miss my dad so much.  He was my hero.  I don't know if he knew N. was going to let him die.  I wish I could have been brave enough to ask him before he was medicated.  I use to tell my dad "Don't ever die, dad".  And I guess a part of me believed he never would.  This seems so silly since I'm a grown woman, but I was definitely a "Daddy's girl". When he was in the hospital, awake, talking, watching tv, and joking I was lucky enough to say some really important things to my dad, and ask him some questions that I was so glad I asked.  The song To Sir With Love always reminded me of dad (always). When he was in the hospital I put one ear bud in his ear and one in mine.  My face was next to him on the pillow and I told him how this song always made me think of him.  I asked him to listen to the words of the song carefully.  His eyes were closed so I wasn't sure if he was asleep, medicated too much and not listening.  As he kept his eyes closed I started the song.  Right before the part that says "How do you thank someone who has taken you from crayons to perfume", I said "DAD! Are you listening?"  He responded "Yeah, yeah, I'm listening" that's how we talked to each other.  When that part played he said "Give me cash!"  He was still joking like he always did.  When the song said "I'm losing my best friend", he responded "That should be B. (my husband)" Yes, my husband is my best friend, but in a different way.  My dad was my first and last best friend, hero, adviser, etc.  A different day I sat next to his bed and talked to him about things from when I was a little girl, about our family moves, and his profession. I told my dad that day that I always wanted him to be proud of me, and asked him if I had made him proud, he said I had made him proud.  I told him I never wanted to disappoint him and asked him if I ever had.  He nodded "yes" that I had disappointed him.  I couldn't believe it and said "I have, how?"  And he answered in his joking way "Because you won't give me any water" (they had started to withhold his water and food and he was so, so thirsty). It seemed like torture to me.   Then I told him that a friend of mine had one time asked his father what his greatest accomplishment in his life had been. (His dad was a physicist).  So, I asked my dad this question but I phrased it "so far in your life" with the same question.  What a wonderful, wonderful treasure!!!! My dad lifted his hand with his eyes closed and pointed to me "You"
Dad, Dad, Dad, you left too soon, I need you to be in my life for much longer.  I miss you so much it's beyond hurting.
I knew that I wanted my dad to always be proud of me, but it wasn't until he was gone that I realized how many choices and decisions I made with that thought somewhere in the back of my mind.  Now, I feel lost.  I feel it doesn't really matter what I do or don't do any longer.  I feel empty.
He died 3 years ago, but it doesn't feel like three years.  I do know parts of me are getting better, because the first two years EVERY night I would talk and cry in my sleep.  I would have complete conversations with my dad.  My poor husband had to experience my hurting even in my sleep.  One morning I woke up and asked my husband "Is dad dead or alive?"  He asked me if I was dreaming. I told him no! "Is dad dead or alive?" He was afraid to answer, but, the poor guy had to tell me "Your dad is dead".  I just rolled over on my side.
For tonight dad, goodnight, I love you!